I paid for any expenses incurred
together. He told me not to wear panties or bra when seeing him, I obeyed. He
openly said I was his sex toy but then would switch to how much he admired me
and how I was the best thing to ever happen to him. Like a yo-yo he kept me
going back to his put downs and then pull me up with his complements.
When taken to his bedroom or later to a motel room I immediately took off my blouse and dropped my skirt as he demanded. Naked he would turn me around and around until he decided to either pinion me missionary style or rear me doggie style. Instead of being upset I was grateful I was pleasing him and thankful he did not force me to do anal which probably was only due to his lack of imagination.
The rhythm of his bed's head board and later the motel's hitting against the wall from his thrusting echoed in my ears afterwards. The echo reminded me who I was.
We met only once a week and
the times together were only a few hours but the pernicious debasement lasted
from call to call. I took the pill to avoid pregnancy but feared contracting a
STD and then giving it to my husband thus destroying my real world.
We didn’t make love. Instead he used
me as his sperm dump. He never worried if I was sexually satisfied. I only knew
while he was in me I was doing what I was supposed to. If I climaxed it was
when he ejaculated and I was thinking I had pleased him and my world was safe.
I tried to gain his recalcitrant respect
by pleasing him and doing what he commanded. My attempting to teach him finer
things would switch suddenly to my debasement by his asking who I thought I was
with my uppity attitude. He learned my psychological weak points and used them
to destabilize any self-confidence I retained. He hectored me by calling me babe,
slant eyes, old lady but then would switch to say how much he cared for me.
He controlled by fear, fear he would destroy my other world of family, marriage, social standing, even maybe harm my husband. Once he stormed into the office and loudly told me to get up and go with him. Rushing out I told everyone he was providing a bid to build a deck for the house. Fortunately my husband was out but his coming undermined my office position. Worrying he might again barge into the office I agreed to respond immediately to his telephone calls, do what he asked, and not to question him.
Pleasing him avoided his threat of
exposure but allowed him to push further my debasement again and again which my
doing in turn gave him additional exposure power. The more I feared the more I
tried to please as I fell into a vortex of depravation. Our relationship was my
worrying what he might do next and he thinking of what to do next. He developed
two basic fear controls.
He threatened to video tape me performing sex. Men have an obsession of capturing their conquests on film or tape. Edward wanted to use his Polaroid camera which I nixed. I let my husband take a few Polaroids but made him destroy them as the children got older. William had his video camera on a tripod. Again I nixed his tapping and made sure it was not set up to tape us.
Paul didn't have a video recorder. I
managed to forget his requests to bring mine, the one command I disobeyed.
Still I feared he would get one and have his roommate tape us and then
blackmail me. To avoid the danger of videotaping I started paying for a no name
Korean operated motel on Old Highway 99 south of Tacoma. Appropriately it also
served Fort Lewis and McCord Air Base service men with their freelancers. It
accepted cash, needed no I. D. and was in an area I was unlikely to be seen by