After Elliot I was honest with myself. I
craved illicit sex and accepted I was going to continue being libidinous, the
real reason for my breasts augmentation, not for myself, not for hubby but for
men yet to meet. I don't think even hubby believed it was all for him, though
he had no objection and encouraged me when I brought up the idea.
I was a sex predator and wanted to experience more men before I was no longer desirable, difficult to admit until the honest realization I was my father's daughter. The dilemma was not being faithful; it was keeping my addiction hidden. I wanted the sanctuary of marriage while in affairs.
Reviewing my past I realized Edward almost cost me my marriage. I stupidly thought my husband's swinging agenda would provide a rational for his acceptance. Once his jealousy was exposed it was too late to stop seeing Edward. My lying it was over was not entirely convincing. It made my life schizophrenic, in love with 2 men, one dramatically changing me. More importantly it remained the elephant in our marriage closet. With the elephant in there we were not the same couple who married. It was never mentioned but we both had to move around it.
Enrico only played a sexual role and was easy to hide with his own need for cover. I was circumspect with Daryl and Elliot but much of my cover was due to my husband's preoccupation with kids growing up, his business expanding and luck. They did teach me tricks to keep my libidinous life hidden and how to manage a secret life. If discovered hubby would be devastated and even if still married we no longer would be true husband and wife. Like a spy; exposure meant death, death of our marriage.
I learned to compartmentalize, not just physical things but everything, to be 2 persons in one, never commingled. I kept my mind focused on my duality ensuring clear memories of each, paid total attention to the present being experienced and scheduled separate actions for the future. Keeping focused meant keeping the wrong word from slipping out, knowing what was said and done in each life and always keeping an escape answer if questioned for a discrepancy. I also learned the puppet shadow presented is unquestioned unless you lifted or tore the screen. The trick was keeping the screen in place.
I had allowed no public physical contact with, Enrico, Darryl and Elliot unless there was a cover excuse; unlike stupidly done with Edward. Still past secret shadows were only covered with made as necessary lies because I failed to recognize who I was. I gambled and won but made unwise bets.
I accept who I am, I want to be married, married to hubby who I love and admire but I’m addicted to being unfaithful. I must be careful not to hurt him.
I’ll cheat but only when the odds are in my favor. I’ll train my secret puppet shadow and carefully manage her.
There’s no need to hurry. Events, let them unfold, take advantages as opportunity presents itself in a secured stealth mode. Be professional a professional cheater.