It was happy Sunday afternoon. I was hanging with my three buddies in our usual spot when, suddenly, we were all picked up and dropped. I hit my head after the fall and that was the last thing I remembered before I woke up to pitch-blackness.
I groaned. “Hello? Anyone here?”
“Bob? Is that you, dude?” a voice to my right cried out.
“Joe!” I cried out in excitement. I wasn’t alone!
“You have any idea what just happened? I’m scared.”
“Not at all.”
“I- I saw,” a faint third voice popped up.
“Tina! You’re here too! Great, that leaves only Gary left. Is Gary here?” I cried.
“Yea, I’m fucking here,” came Gary’s voice.
“I saw,” Tina repeated, her voice shaking.
“Saw what?” said Joe.
“What’s it?” asked Joe.
“The thing that took us. I saw it,” Tina broke down into tears.
“But what the fuck is it? What did it fucking look like?” demanded Gary, exasperated.
Tina did not reply; she only continued sobbing.
“Looks like we’re not getting any thing more out of her, Gary.” I said. “Does anyone else know what happened?”
“Not a fucking clue,” said Gary.
A blinding light suddenly shone upon the four friends.
“What’s going on?!”
“THERE IT IS!” Tina screamed. “OH MY GOD. IT’S TAKING ME-”
“TINA!” We all screamed.
The darkness returned just as quickly. Tina was gone.
My heart pounded. “What the fuck just happened?”
“They took Tina,” Gary whispered.
“Who’s they? Did anyone see?” I asked. “The light was too bright.”
“I fucking saw,” said Gary. His voice shook with terror. “Giants.”
“Yeah. There was a fucking giant.”
I closed my eyes. “I’ve heard stories of giants but I never thought…. I-I can’t believe this. What are they going to do with Tina?”
“I have no fucking clue,” said Gary. “Anyways, we need to get the fucking fuck out of here. Brainstorm guys. Joe, you’ve been quiet this whole time. Any ideas?”
“Joe?” I asked.
I bit my lip. “JOE.”
“Joe, come on.”
“…Shut up,” came Joe’s mutter. “It’s over. We’re done for.”
“What kind of fucking shitty ass fucking kind of fucking fucked up attitude is that? Come the fuck back to your fucking senses, Joe,” Gary replied.
“We’re doomed, Gary,” Joe cried. “Doomed, I tell you.”
“Ugh,” said Gary. “Fuck Joe. You and me, Bob. Let’s think of-”
The blinding light returned. As my eyes struggled to adjust, I felt something wrap itself around me. Before I knew it, I was picked up and dropped onto an elevated, hard, square surface.
In my daze, I heard Gary’s voice next to me. “FUCK. The fucking bitch ass fucking giant got all three of us.”
My eyes squinted as I tried to make out our surroundings. We were in some sort of closed space.
Joe gasped. Gary, in the middle of his swearing, fell silent soon after.
I turned to them. “What’s wrong?”
“…Look down,” Joe whispered.
I turned in the direction of their gaze, and I too, fell under complete and utter silence. Below us was a black square box without a lid. It was covered with some sort of black plastic, and within that plastic laid Tina’s dead, dismantled body.
“…We’re next,” Joe whispered.
“Fuck if I’m going to let them fucking giants just do as they fucking please,” said Gary.
Joe gasped. “It’s there! It’s coming for us!”
My eyes widened as I saw the giant. It was huge; at least fifty times the size of us. It was hideous. Four long limbs jutted out from its body in various places, and it had some weird spherical thing on top of its body.
“…It’s over,” Joe whispered. The next second, the giant picked Joe up.
“Joe!” I yelled.
The giant started peeling apart Joe’s skin. I winced as I saw Joe’s internal organs being revealed. I tried to look away. I wanted to look away. But something kept me glued to the gory scene unraveling in front of me. Within three seconds, almost all of Joe’s skin had been removed. I couldn’t imagine the pain he was in.
“Joe?” I cried out. “Joe, can you hear me?”
“…It hurts,” Joe’s voice was barely audible. “It hurts so much-”
The giant bit into Joe, and Joe’s voice stopped completely.
I watched, horrified, as the giant continued to consume my friend. I had known these four my entire lives; they were my entire life. And now two of them were simply…gone.
The giant threw what remained of Joe into the black box. He hit the plastic net, his corpse entangling with Tina’s.
“…These fucking giants,” Gary whispered. He turned to me. “Listen, Bob. I’m taking this motherfucker down.”
“How?” I said. “It’s twice as big as us. That’s impossible-”
“I got this, Bob,” said Gary. “I fucking got this. I’m going to give this fucker payback for what it did to Tina and Joe.”
The next instant, the giant picked Gary up.
“GARY!” I screamed. He was the last friend I had. I couldn’t lose him. Not now.
“I fucking got this, Joe,” Gary yelled back as the giant peeled away his skin.
“FUCK. I’m gonna return the favor a thousands times, you shitbag,” yelled Gary as the giant, finished peeling, brought Gary closer and closer to its gaping mouth.
Just as the giant was about to bite down on Gary, Gary lurched forwards, hurling himself into the giant’s throat. I watched, wide eyed, as the giant staggered back, shocked. The giant trembled, and reached at its throat with its hands. It started to cough heavily, trying to dislodge Gary.
“I ain’t fucking around!” I heard Gary yell. “I’m bringing you the fuck down.”
The giant fell to its knees and its coughing worsened. I watched horridly as I saw bits and pieces of Gary fly out of its mouth. But Gary held strong. Within a few minutes, the giant stopped struggling, and lay on the floor, not moving.
After a moment of shock, I was brought back to my senses. I jumped down to the floor and looked inside the giant’s mouth.
“Gary! Gary!” I yelled. “You did it! You actually did it!”
Gary staggered out the giant’s mouth, tattered and worn. He grinned. “You’re fucking right I did.”
Relief flooded into me. I went to embrace Gary but then he suddenly collapsed onto the floor.
“No! Gary!” I yelled as I rushed to him.
“Shit,” said Gary. “The giant did a number on me. I’m fucking done for, Bob.”
“NO! Gary, no!” I screamed, as I held him. He was my last friend. I couldn’t lose him. The thought of being alone was too terrible to bear.
“Yeah?” I leaned closer.
“Remember the time I treated you to dinner? At that fancy Italian place?”
“Yeah,” I nodded.
“You fucking owe me 20 bucks”. Gary shuddered one last time and never moved again.
I sat still for a few somber seconds then stood up. I hardened my gaze, walked past the giant, and out the door. Gary saved my life. I had to do something with it. But what could one banana do on its own? Time to find out.
The editor stares at the author skeptically.
The author fidgets in his seat. “What?”
“Tell me this is a joke. Tell me you’re submitting something else and this is just a prank.”
“It’s not a prank.”
The editor sighs, and smacks the pile of paper on the desk between the two. “What the hell is this?”
“…It’s my story.”
“It’s about a bunch of bananas being eaten.”
“Well yes, that’s the gist of it. But there’s a lot more to it than that-”
“We don’t even find out that they’re bananas until the very end. Why the hell did you even make them bananas? There is literally zero reason for the characters to be bananas.”
“Well, I thought it would be unique.”
“It’s uniquely terrible.”
“Come on, it’s not that bad.”
“Bananas don’t talk. They don’t move either. And they definitely don’t go to fucking fancy Italian restaurants. None of this makes sense. Seriously, what the hell were you thinking when you wrote this?”
“Well, I thought it was an interesting story.”
“It’s interesting how you could come with such a piece of shit.”
“Hey, don’t you think you’re being too harsh on me?”
“Your story was too harsh on my brain.”
“Okay, that’s enough. What can I do to make the story better?”
The editor lies back in his seat. “I don’t know. Maybe not have the characters be fucking bananas?”
“Well, I like bananas.”
“Well why don’t you just fucking go marry one if you like them so much?”
“Trust me, I’ve tried.”
The editor sighs. “You’re going to have to give me something better. I can’t submit this.”
“…Fine.” The author stands up to leave the room.
“No bananas,” says the editor.